My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
