I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
