great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
