i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
