i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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