Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
