you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize