you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize