This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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