He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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