apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
