Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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