look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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