Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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