you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need moral support for this bender
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
