So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
