i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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