It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
