I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
