my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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