Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
