totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
