I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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