I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
