if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I want to fling myself into the sun
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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