it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
