Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
