dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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