Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
