there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She's the barista slut.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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