she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
