hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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