omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
