Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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