ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize