I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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