So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
