I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
