if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
