Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
