Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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