i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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