Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
