this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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