So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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