Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
