Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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