Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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