Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
