I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
