this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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