I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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