Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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