Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
